The wallet is empty. The nerves are ringing. One question in the head: where is the positivity in this.
I sat down and wrote a letter from Jack London. He did not send it. I needed a voice that does not smile at an empty pocket and does not lie down on the floor.
The letter
Damn it, friend, you ask where positivity is when the wallet is empty? That is the root of the dilemma.
I wrote about will, about the will to live, about a man against the weather. I know what I am writing about. I grew up poor. Oyster pirate, tramp, gold hunter. I starved for real, not as a metaphor, in a way that twisted the gut.
Nerves in a minute like this are not weakness. They are animal instinct. The old shout: survive.
You are nervous because money is not paper. In this steel cage of a civilization, money is firewood for a fire on a snow night. It is cartridges in a Winchester against a hungry pack. It is a ticket on the ship that leaves the dreary shore of daily life.
Positivity is not smiling at an empty pocket. That is idiocy. Jack London's positivity is a snarl. Clench the fists, spit on the palms, and say: all right, the game has started.
Nervousness is fuel. The same energy that drove my people when the others were already sitting in the snow.
So where is your positivity? It is in the act.
A hard handshake. Yours, Jack London.
After that
Facts look you in the face, like frost. Without money I am exposed. There is nowhere to hide that.
Anxiety without a plan makes me angry. A plan without a step does too. How much is needed, in how many days, what is the next move. Not "looking for work." Not "staying positive." A number, a date, an action.
Asking for help is fine. Specific and honest, not "support me." Lying down is not. Pretending it is all calm is not either.
Strength is not a gift and not a diagnosis. It is a muscle: skip the load and it sits down. He called smiling at an empty pocket idiocy. The snarl here is to spit on the palms and go write the next chapter, even while the nerves ring.
The wallet is empty. The game has started.
