The Portfolio‑Amnesia Syndrome
20 years in software. Dozens of projects. Hundreds of thousands of LOC. In two days I logged 20+ cases.
I open content/projects/ and think: “was that even mine?” Some projects come back with the smell of coffee in the office. Others — like a parallel life.
Honestly: sometimes I don’t remember entire periods. Like I “did it” but didn’t live through it. Autopilot. Scarier than any deadline.
20+ cases in 2 days. Half looked new. And that’s only the first 10 years — until 2014.
Context of the Era
The “run faster” culture — sprints‑releases‑meetings — erases memory anchors. We remember “launched and +18%,” but forget how we got there — and ourselves on the way.
Wake → tasks → code → commit → review → release → sleep. Year. Two. Five. Ten. Project after project, you don’t remember. You function.
Symptoms
- I remember the midnight marketplace release and conversion growth. I don’t remember the three months before.
- I remember an architecture argument. I don’t remember how it ended — only a commit.
- I remember decisions. I don’t remember the path to them.
- I remember wins. I don’t remember failures.
Diagnosis (Working)
When emotions are zero, memory doesn’t write “event.” It writes “noise.” You build, commit, deploy — and erase yourself from your own story.
— Burnout. Work stays; meaning leaves. You still do, but feel no joy or satisfaction. Only tiredness.
— Dissociation. You do, but don’t live it. A defense: too much stress — brain dims emotions. You function. For years.
— Perfectionism. “Good job” never lands; only “better.” Project after project — joy never arrives, only the next task.
— Painful memories get blocked. Failures teach more than wins, but they hurt — memory erases pain.
Beyond the Metrics
Portfolios show pretty numbers: LCP 1.8s, +18% conversion, 99.9% uptime. That’s not the whole story.
Marketplace CWV: 2.5 MB hero (who does that?!), render‑blocking CSS, SEO falling, deadlines burning.
Monorepo: 8 circular deps (how?!), every release a domino, team stuck, VSCode crashes.
Analytics platform: 3–5 prod crashes a week, dying under load, metrics drowning in logs.
Behind every “I saved it” were stress and digging out. I remember the metrics. I don’t remember how I survived.
What I’m Changing
- Slow down. Stop grabbing every project. Allow myself to pause and think.
- Live, not function. Be present when I do things, not on autopilot.
- Weekly “joy log”: 3 things I’m proud of (not necessarily code).
- Memory anchors: screenshots, in‑the‑moment notes, demos, graphs, a photo of the whiteboard.
- Tiny retros after releases: what I feel, not just “what we shipped.”
- Public posts — grounding and feedback.
- Therapy. Hygiene, not a firetruck. Understand roots and what I really want.
Business Insights
- A portfolio is curation, not chronology. 6–8 cases with context, metrics, role.
- Clients care about before/after — not the entire tech stack.
- Docs “while hot” save hours later.
If You Recognize Yourself
— You’re not alone. Many do. Many. They just don’t say it out loud.
— It’s not shameful. And you can work with it.
— Start with honesty: “I don’t remember — that’s a problem.”
— See a professional. Therapy isn’t shame; it’s like dentistry for the mind.
— Add tiny anchors to your routine. Today.
Acceptance
This is my life. I built things. They lived, broke, were fixed. I shined; I failed. That’s normal.
The past is context, not a sentence. Yes, I ran on autopilot. Yes, I forgot much. Yes, I could’ve done things differently. I can’t go back.
I can only choose where to go next.
I choose to live, not function.
So I’m moving to my own products. Building games. Writing more.
Not because I “should,” but because I want to remember this — not just “I saved it,” but the real experience: stress, failures, growth. That’s where life happens.
P.S. This is the most personal post I’ve written. I usually write about tech, architecture, products. Sometimes you need to write about what actually matters. Thanks for reading.
See also
